“I was lucky to be assigned to Joel as my executive coach for the UC Berkeley Executive Leadership Program. What makes Joel an outstanding coach is his ability to get you to really think about your goals, identify what you need to change and execute on those goals.”
Priya Swamy, Vice-President, NBC UNIVERSAL
Why Relationships in the Workplace Matter
Building positive workplace relationships is vital for career success. Relationships can positively or negatively affect your satisfaction with the job, as well as your ability to advance and gain recognition for your achievements. When you build positive relationships, you feel more comfortable with your interactions and less intimidated by others. You feel a closer bond with the people you spend the majority of your time working with, and you grow your influence in your organization.
However, for a lot of people, relationship building doesn’t come naturally. Most refuse to admit this is a concern because we tend to think of it as such a basic, common-sense concept. They assume they already know how to do it. Don’t fall into that trap. Everyone—even the most outgoing, engaging personalities—can improve their skills in this critical area.
How to Build Genuine Connections with the People You Work With
“The most important single ingredient in the formula of success
is knowing how to get along with people.”
~ Theodore Roosevelt
Client Paul asks: One of my coworkers recently told me I’m hard to approach at work. It felt like kind of a blow, since I’ve always thought of myself as being a nice person. How can I change this impression my coworkers have of me?
Coach Joel answers: Paul, developing good relationships is a key part of succeeding at work, yet it’s often neglected. Do you ever have days where you keep your nose to the grindstone, churning out work—and feel like slamming shut your door on anyone who dares interrupt? This kind of attitude actually hurts your own productivity as well as your organization’s. Building good working relationships will help you become a more effective leader, boost your chances of promotion, enhance teamwork, and make you a happier person.
The ten tips listed below will help anyone build more positive workplace relationships. Apply these tips to interactions with your boss, team members, project managers, senior management, vendors, clients, customers, direct reports, and administrators. They will serve you well in all of these contexts.
1 – Speak up more at meetings.
One of the best ways to build relationships is to let others know who you are. You can do this by sharing your expertise, knowledge, and personality at meetings. Other people will get to know you, like you, and want to hear more from you. They will find you more approachable, and thus, the chance of building relationships improves. If you are fearful about sharing at meetings, think ahead of time about what you want to say so that you’ll be more prepared with talking points.
2 – Speak positively about the people you work with, especially to your boss.
Get in the habit of speaking positively to others and providing quality feedback about the people you work with. Many times the information that gets shared (whether positive or negative) comes back to the person being discussed. People will enjoy hearing that you have said supportive things about them and will know that you are on their side. That will build trust. Be careful of the workplace gossip that is so prevalent, and don’t contribute to it.
3 – Support other people’s work.
Having a team attitude gives you a big competitive advantage. Ask how you can get involved with others’ endeavors. As you work directly with someone else to help them meet their goals, this will form a closer connection. They will appreciate your support and get to know you better, which is vital to creating a more connected working relationship.
4 – Ask others to get involved in your projects or activities.
Don’t be afraid to ask others for help and bring them onto your projects. The more they can participate in the activities you are working on, the better you’ll get to know each other. You’ll both take pride in getting more things done together, which will strengthen your bond.
5 – Share appreciation.
Noticing others’ contributions, large or small, will lead them to feel more appreciative of you in turn. Sharing your appreciation is a powerful way of building social bonds, which allows for more creative, collaborative thinking between colleagues. Write notes of appreciation to the people who are doing exemplary work, making positive contributions and going above the call of duty. These notes can be hand-written or sent via email. Alternatively, you can share them by voice mail. Send them to people above you, below you, and at the peer level. Colleagues like to be appreciated and will feel closer to you when you notice and thank them for their contributions.
6 – Initiate conversations by asking questions.
When we first meet someone, it can be a bit intimidating. We often don’t know what to say or how to say it. Asking questions and then listening closely is a great way to get to know the other person and show your interest in forming a relationship. They will feel closer to you when they have shared about themselves and you’ve demonstrated that you’re interested in what they have to say. Then share something about yourself so the relationship becomes a two-way interaction that can help establish a bond. See if you have some common ground based on what they’ve said.
7 – Spend one-on-one time with colleagues.
Getting to know your colleagues one-on-one promotes openness and collaboration. Go to lunch with someone from a different department, who might have skills that will be useful for a future project. Have coffee with a coworker you haven’t developed a rapport with, and find out what you have in common. Just knowing you care enough to make this time will help break the ice.
8 – Initiate repeated interactions and communications.
An important part to building relationships is to continue interacting with the person you’re getting to know. As you grow to know each other better, personally and professionally, you’ll establish a closer connection. Meet up for coffee either in person or virtually. Ask for their thoughts about a question that’s on your mind. Say hi to them in the morning before you start work. Find different reasons to chat with them or drop them a line, and your bond will grow stronger.
9 – Participate in activities with others that don’t involve work.
If you find you have similar interests with the person you’re getting to know, consider meeting up for an outside-of-work activity. Many great friendships have been born in this way. Go out to lunch together during the work day, go for a run or a hike in the evening or weekend, or play tennis. If you are married, you can visit with other couples to establish a stronger connection.
10 – Share information.
The information you share can be directly related to their work, or it can be about a subject you know they will enjoy reading about. Either way, telling them about something you’ve learned will show you are thinking of them and how this knowledge will benefit them.
11 – Communicate clear goals and expectations.
When you communicate clearly—and follow through—you’ll show you’re a trustworthy person. Setting clear expectations, communicating them well, and following through will make you someone that others want to collaborate with in the future. Establish clear goals and benchmarks for what you’ll accomplish in projects and your overall job performance, and help those you supervise to do the same. Choose the best medium for your communications, too. If sharing a complicated list of instructions, share it by email or as a hard copy in addition to going over it in person. Follow through on the little things as well as the big ones, from keeping the break room tidy to meeting project objectives.
12 – Introduce yourself at social events.
Social events for coworkers like lunches and dinners with colleagues, retreats, conferences, and holiday parties are good places to interact in an informal setting. People often feel more inclined to let down their guard in such contexts, since they’re not preoccupied by work. It will be easier to get to know them and to share about who you are—and you’ll become more visible as a result.
Benefits of Building Positive Workplace Relationships
Building positive relationships allows you to benefit from the abilities of your social connections, enlisting them to join your working teams and expanding your influence. Plus, having genuine social bonds makes work more enjoyable. You’ll find greater satisfaction at work, and so will those around you. For these reasons, growing your working relationships is a key component of leadership development!
A client of mine, named Paul, began implementing set office hours to make himself more available to his team while still protecting his time. He also sought feedback from his direct reports, who hesitantly noted that he seemed uncomfortable with small talk or discussing how people were feeling. He’d always thought of such things as a waste of time that was standing in the way of “the real work.” He was all about results and measurable outcomes; he only wanted to hear about the bottom-line actions needed to carry out a project. But by learning to relate to others on a personal level, he became a more effective team leader who was beginning to demonstrate higher-level leadership potential.
Now you have a good understanding of how to form solid relationships. But what if you’re experiencing interpersonal tension with a colleague? The next section looks at how to address that all-too-common problem.
Resolving Interpersonal Workplace Issues with Skill and Diplomacy
“If everyone is moving forward together, then success takes care of itself.”
~ Henry Ford
Address interpersonal problems directly, and do it soon after they arise, so they don’t fester. If tension is brewing or you have a difficult relationship with a coworker, address it at the source before the problem gets bigger. If you feel that a team member is not pulling his weight, voice your concerns to him and state your expectations. Keep your tone calm and professional, and give him time to explain his perspective. Through direct communication, you may discover that the real problem is that he doesn’t understand his role, or that he’s wearing too many hats in the organization. Perhaps together you can find a solution, or he can speak with someone else who can assist in doing so, like his boss. You wouldn’t be doing him any favors by staying quiet and letting his performance continue to slip.
During your interaction and after, use the following tips to make communication flow as effectively as possible and avoid any harmful backlash.
1 – Engage in active listening.
Active listening builds effective working relationships by showing colleagues you take them seriously. It also helps you more fully understand what they are saying. To listen actively, ask open-ended questions about what the other person is saying. When she finishes, paraphrase what she said to make sure you understand it. Focus on what the other person is saying, rather than on what you’re going to say next. Avoid interjecting your own opinion as the speaker explains her point of view. That will help avoid putting the other person on the defensive and allow for a genuine exchange of ideas.
2 – Show empathy for the other person’s feelings.
Showing empathy goes hand-in-hand with active listening. Validating statements such as, “I’ve felt that way myself,” or “I can see why you feel that way,” help the speaker feel understood, even if you still have a different opinion about the situation. Feeling understood will lower the speaker’s defenses, so he can understand your perspective in turn.
3 – Steer clear of gossip.
This one might seem like a no-brainer, but it’s often easier said than done. The last thing you want to do is vent about a tough conversation in the breakroom after the fact. Take the example of one client: Margaret felt satisfied with the outcome of a conversation with her colleague David, whom she’d had to confront about his annoying habit of listening to very loud music on his headphones. But at first, he’d pushed back at her request to tune it down, and the whole conversation had eaten up more than half an hour of her day. She felt glad it was resolved, but still needed to shake off the irritation of needing to spend time on something so trivial, so she quietly relayed the whole situation to another coworker—who later made a joke about David in front of other colleagues, which got back to David. The next day, David was acting very distant; it seemed they had more to talk about.
In short, don’t start gossip, and if you hear it begin, politely but firmly say you don’t want to participate in the conversation. In doing so, you’ll avoid damaging relationships and will show you have integrity. Making your preferences known, and directly addressing the workplace gossip that could be hurtful to others, may also help create a more professional workplace culture.
Living by these tips will help build a working environment of respect, integrity, and empathy—the foundations to creating strong working relationships. And remember, these practices aren’t just for some relationships and not others—they’re for relationships with supervisors as well as people you supervise; for team members and folks you work with less directly.
How Growing Relationships Expands Your Influence
Alan was a departmental manager at a software engineering firm in southern California. His company was growing, and he had high hopes for his career. He boasted impeccable technical skills, felt like he had invested part of himself in his company, and was confident in his ability to exude authority.
Nevertheless, Alan felt trapped. He harbored ambitions of climbing the corporate ladder but didn’t know where to begin. Eventually, he enlisted the help of an executive coach and realized that he needed to learn how to communicate more effectively at work. His problem was that team members followed his directions, but few people actually listened to him, and he rarely listened to them.
With the help of his coach, Alan put together a plan to increase his influence by focusing on building positive relationships at work. Here’s a summary of what he did:
- Started asking questions.
By expressing an interest in the people around him, Alan forced them take notice of him. He also communicated his interest in them and their work.
- Shared his expertise freely with others.
Alan looked for opportunities to help people who could benefit from his technical experience. Colleagues welcomed his assistance on difficult projects, and Alan’s efforts established him as a highly competent go-to guy.
- Focused on staying optimistic in all of his interactions.
People appreciate being around positive thinkers, and optimism is contagious. By staying positive, Alan increased his likeability and improved the mood of his immediate work environment.
- Talked to everyone, regardless of their position.
Alan did what I call influencing up, down, and laterally. He spent time engaging with his subordinates, colleagues, and superiors.
Alan eventually went on to start his own IT services company—but not before landing a promotion at his company.
Alan’s metamorphosis is notable in how closely it reflects the five traits that all influential leaders possess. He already had technical and professional competence, but by working on his goal of building positive relationships in the workplace, he was able to develop his interpersonal skills, professional reputation, executive presence, and persuasiveness.
