“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph”
~ Thomas Paine
Sir Winston Churchill and Lady Astor, two prominent British politicians, experienced one of the most hostile relationships in Parliament history. Their interactions were constantly filled with conflict, sarcasm, and caustic remarks, each intending to pay the other back in full for past transgressions.
Once during a legislative session, Lady Astor became so upset with one of Churchill’s decisions that she shouted, “Sir Winston, if you were my husband, I’d poison your tea.”
To which Churchill quickly retorted, “Madam, if you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
If your work life sometimes feels like a session of the old-school British Parliament, take heart. You can’t change your coworkers, but you can change your point of view about them—and about yourself. Here’s the reality: In today’s “dog-eat-dog” work environment, many people needlessly put each other down instead of building each other up. Positive, uplifting, and encouraging words have been irresponsibly exchanged for negative, piercing, and destructive ones. But following the five guidelines I outline below will help you move beyond tension and discord and into a healthier, more productive way of relating to colleagues.
Five Principles for Improving Relationships With Difficult Coworkers
Spend the next 30 days incorporating my five guidelines for improving relationships with difficult coworkers and other unflattering individuals into your daily life, and I guarantee you’ll experience a dramatic and positive change in your work environment. Each of these principles will make a dramatic difference:
1 – Practice acceptance.
See and accept others for who they are. Notice their strengths and talents, rather than their imperfections and shortcomings. Look beyond physical appearance to find the real person.
2 – Be fully present.
When someone comes up with a new idea, listen without judging. Look for the possibility in each new suggestion. Look for ways it can work instead of reasons why it won’t.
3 – Treat your coworkers as equals.
Develop a “we’re all in this together” mentality. Instead of trying to outshine everyone around you, cultivate team spirit instead. Remember the old adage, “There is no I in TEAM.”
4 – Change your perspective.
Your point of view is valid, but others may have equally valid opinions and ideas. Try viewing things from their perspective instead of yours. This enables you to better understand who they are, what they think and feel, and why they behave as they do.
5 – When all else fails, remember someone who reached out to you.
Not every difficult relationship will turn around overnight. In certain situations, we can benefit from the advice of R. J. Rehwinkels, who said, “The only people you should try to get even with are those who have helped you.”
Evaluate your relationships. Where are they headed? You might need to initiate some tough conversations to get things back on track. Be the first in your circle of friends and colleagues to get even only with those who have helped you. It can make a real difference to building positive relationships at work.
As you begin to implement these guidelines, you may still find yourself immersed in long-brewing conflicts that you need to address head-on. Read on for a step-by-step process on how to handle them with grace and skill.
5 Steps to Resolve a Workplace Conflict
Client Martina Asks: Lately, my office has become Conflict Central. We can’t have a productive meeting because someone always leaves in a funk when his or her idea gets rejected. There’s a lot of door slamming and loud voices. People who used to socialize together after work aren’t even speaking. Worst of all, our productivity is in the tank. As a team leader, I feel a lot of responsibility to do something about this. I’d like to be the person who turns the team around and gets our projects back on track. What do you suggest?
Coach Joel Answers: Conflict has become a way of life in many organizations. In fact, a whole industry has been created around training people on how to resolve it. Just Google “conflict resolution” and you’ll see what I mean. But a lot of these tried-and-true theoretical methods are not particularly effective. Some people thrive on conflict and love to create more of it. If you have one or more of those on your team, your job is going to be challenging.
How about this? Instead of seeing conflict as a negative, a big problem to be solved—how about looking at conflict as an opportunity to become even better than you are?
Martina seemed unconvinced but willing to go along—for a while, anyway. Here’s the outline of actions steps that we put together for her to deploy.
Step 1: Develop an internal support team.
Gather around a table with a few team members who you know are not happy with the current situation and would welcome an opportunity to take part in turning it around. Look for people who are open to using conflict as an opportunity to get better, not just a problem to be solved.
Step 2: Clearly define the problem
The problem is NOT that Joe’s a jerk who won’t go along with anything, or that the workload is too heavy, or that the boss’s expectations are unrealistic. Just as married people are seldom really fighting about the budget, work teams are seldom really fighting about the workload. What they both want is control and recognition. The problem is that nobody is yet able to see conflict as an opportunity and share control to build a better organization. It’s your job to show them how.
Step 3: Make your adversaries part of the solution.
Not everyone will see the possibilities. But you must, first of all, respect those whose opinions differ from yours. Invite them in. Give those who are willing to work together a seat at the table and get everything out in the open. During this kind of communication, the key ground rule is “no argument.” The key tool is listening, with the aim of letting the other person know he or she has been heard.
Step 4: Capture ideas and pick the top 5.
Every person at the table will have ideas. Some will have merit; some will not. Make sure that your brainstorming session doesn’t deteriorate into an “us against them” free-for-all. Choose ideas from all different perspectives—ideas that are positive and will keep momentum going, not short-term solutions that will put a band-aid on an open wound.
Step 5: Team up to move up.
Take your top five ideas and let each participant choose to be part of an implementation team that puts one of them into action. Develop a timeline for completion and an interim schedule for progress reports.In short, the secret to conflict resolution is not “Can’t we all just get along?” The secret is giving people a project to work on where their ideas and creativity are respected and where they can see the results of their efforts.
What’s the biggest conflict in your workplace right now? Start making a list of steps you can personally take to turn this conflict into a big step forward for your team and for the company. Joel has helped many of his clients do exactly that. Contact him today to discuss possibilities, and for more in-depth guidance, read his book How to Have Difficult Conversations!
